Do Not Doubt (What Homeschool is Teaching Me)
I was sitting at my son’s basketball game last weekend, laughing at myself that I have somehow ended up having three sons, when one of the kid’s dads turns to strike conversation, so where does your son go to school? While distractedly lap bouncing my toddler, I thought, oh my gosh, I completely forget! Where does he go to school? Quickly I remembered, oh yes, actually we homeschool, I replied half-confidently, which seems to be my attitude when I’m ignorant to my audience. In tune with my default hesitated response, I was unaware of actually how passionate I am about this decision I’m afraid to own. Yet, God is slowly teaching me the graces that go along with trusting what He has planned for me and my family. While anticipating some sort of judgement, the man surprisingly responded, “No way! That’s awesome. We have actually been considering homeschooling for sometime now. It looks like your son is doing really well, can I give my wife your number? She would love to get together and hear more.” If I wasn’t bouncing the toddler, I probably would have burst out in tears. Really Lord, of course you knew I was doubting that very morning of committing to second grade, and you knew how much joy it gives me to share with others, especially out of my comfortable faith circles. You gave me this small gift of affirmation I needed through a stranger.
It is now a week later, and that mans wife just left my home raving about our boys, our environment and our homeschool materials. What a beautiful job you are doing, she said, thank you for so much for having me. Tear jerk again. It was the Holy Spirit speaking through her, the exact words I needed to hear. Of course! He knew down the exact detail exactly what we need. I wish I had time to continue writing about the many other homeschooling confirmations He gave me over these past two weeks right when I needed them, (one example being a ridiculous doubt that homeschooling is what is keeping me from my beloved solo gym classes and that means it must go. Then out of the blue I am asked to do a very specific job I would never have chosen which ended up involving a fitness instructor homeschooling mom, who described loving her fitness plus homeschooling life, and the exact struggle she faced in that early on. She even sent me a blog post she wrote about it. Like not kidding. He gets extremely specific here).
To top it off, Monday night just happened to be our Blessed is She group lesson on Counsel the Doubtful. Yes, Jesus clearly knows how many examples we need. Here is the takeaway worth sharing - the Holy Spirit is real, and He is working to ease your doubts through the people around you, and your daily mundane conversations. He wastes nothing. He wants you to be at peace. He wants you know that you are not messing up the discernment of whatever season you are in, and that you are not alone in any of the discernment.
The modern crisis of decision fatigue (more on that later, thank you Emliy P. Freeman!), attracts doubt as the easiest vice target. This over-analyzing of a-moral decisions we waste puts a smile on the evil one. This is what I am learning - the antidote of doubt is paying attention. In paying attention you will find the messages of hope and comfort you seek. In the conversations through the week and the small needs of the people around you. He doesnt want us to be too busy to miss these Holy Spirit moments. Yes, He wants us to want what He wants, which is hilariously better than we have imagined, but He wants to give us small gifts of confidence in our daily grind along the way.
We may not homeschool next year, or next season, or we may continue for years. I honestly do not know. Just like your current unknown discernment. Yet, this is the message He wants me to share this week - despite the unknown, despite the decision fatigue - do not doubt. He wants me to tell you to pay attention. As you pay attention, remember that the month of March, and really the season of Lent, can amplify the drudgery of decisions. Yet, that never changes the Easter from coming! Oh, silly, doubt. Let Jesus be your counsel in whatever doubting discernment your are experiencing. Gently pay attention, and gently let go of the doubt. I promise He will deliver your own incredible Holy Spirit moments right as you need them, right where you are :)
