Loving my 2nd Son
Yesterday definitely felt like the first Monday in ordinary time. Big feasting over and forced to go back to the grind, I can admit I’m thankful for the cleared out pine branches and some ordinary time spent today with my sons. They are such precious gifts, (Lord, help me to remember in those moments). Yet, as I caught myself worrying in the midst of youngest’s toddler life struggles, I looked over at our middle son, smiling and playing so joyful with his older brother. I remembered how I wanted to write a post in thanksgiving for for the blessing he is and how far our relationship has come in these few short years. That is what I love about journaling and blogging - allowing yourself the opportunity to label God’s hand in your life.
Our sweet middle son, Dominic, turned 4 a few weeks ago, on the best birthday ever, New Years Eve! Surrounded by my husband’s and I (large) immediate families, which is about 30 people and growing - it was awesome. I do hope we can continue hosting this tradition for years to come. I love all of the New Year stuff and considering how it falls right on his birthday, that would ideally include me updating my boys baby books (the nurse in me), of which the last two are pretty bare! At least I have my oldest’s every milestone documented as a reference guide, ha! As I skipped over just a few pages to Dominic’s 4 year old page, I couldn’t stop smiling in admiration of this blessing of a boy. Admiring how uniquely different he is from his older brother, his younger brother, and from me, and how amazing it has been to watch his little personality bloom over the past year in ways I would not have imagined or not have chosen myself! BUT, I don’t want to forget the struggle in getting there. I don’t want to forget the normalcy of worrying, how a next baby is going to fit into your life? how you will love each child the same? or how will I ever understand this child? I remember the many times I would grab my journal and head to the chapel crying out to the Lord, “what is wrong with Dominic?” "Help me to bond with him more, help me to love him more,” “Why is he acting like this,” “Why is he so (fill in the blank)” “Why can’t I understand him the way I understand my oldest?” I remember at times bawling my eyes out in confusion. Even as much of a personality guru I am, it can be so hard to try to understand and accept those closest to us. Especially when hormones and blurred tears mask reality.
Well, time, and another child after him have given me perceptive. This post is a testimony to myself and my fellow mamas - continue trusting the Lord. That child who is currently bringing you to your knees for whatever reason, I want to remind you - God made him, God gave him to you, and God is waiting to give you the grace and courage and love to understand and mother him in the way he needs. Please don’t be afraid to document your struggle (in a journal or computer document, so you can go back later & see His hand), don’t be afraid to beg God in a specific prayer - Lord help me to deeply understand and love this child more. Please do not listen to the culture of death, (ahem, the recent Michelle Williams acceptance speech - which deserves a post all to its own) that will tell you your unborn baby or born child is just a burden to your life, will keep you from your dreams, or will ruin your life. Throw that lie away and do not doubt. God has a beautiful plan for you and each one of your children. Actually, He usually ends up surprising us and turns the greatest mothering struggles to the greatest joys.
I love that I can go back to the memory of 5 years ago, when I just had our 1 year old napping in our small apartment, and me grabbing my rosary as hard as possible begging for a brother for him. I love that I can go back to the time when that prayed for brother was now 1 years old and testing my mothers heart, driving me back to the chapel. And I love that now, I can look at this picture at his 4 year old birthday with a deeper faith, love and pure joy. Reflecting on how little life has surprised me and blessed me in beautiful, unpredictable ways. God is so good, He makes a mothers heart with perfect room and perfect love for each one of her children, and if we keep reaching out to Him wherever we are, on our knees, in our kitchens, from the cribs, from the cars, from the couch - He will never disappoint. He will grant us the grace and wisdom for learn to love them all. He will show us the perfect amount of room for each one, and how His plan was always to bring deeper love and fulfillment to our lives. I’m thankful for that lesson in learning to love my second son, and all the lessons I have yet to learn! Mothers on the journey - pray for me & I’ll pray for you, keep on!
